EGO--FRIEND OR FOE?

"I'll tell you what shames me
The Fall from my overblown ego
After I realize
That I've huffed and puffed it up"

Joyce


I have had people tell me, after reading my book, that I am awfully hard on myself. And I'll think about that with some seriousness. I don't know if I'm hard on myself or simply capable or an accurate assessment that I don't mind sharing or have an odd standard.

I know that most the people who say that I'm hard on me are under the age of 40--the demogragh that doesn't brook dents in their self-esteem and believes us all to be capable of anything. Wow, maybe I'm a curmudgeon.

I think I know when my ego is over engaged, maybe not in the moment, but after the moment. I love my accomplishments. I think I am a good leader, an interesting person, a generous person, a smart person, a funny person, etc.
That's a healthy ego speaking. It's the inflated ego that is ridiculous, that lies just a little to look better, that gets self important all of a sudden, that loves to be proven right, that grandstands the conversation. That's the ego I'm talking about defeating. 

How I know the difference from the healthy ego and the inflated ego?
--The cringe factor is large upon reflection when the inflated ego is at play
--You are  happy and satisfied but no one else seems to be
--There is a sense of let down after the inflation moment
--There is usually a specific moment of hightened self congratulation rather than a solid steady ground of self-worth
--You say and do things that are embarrassing to the point of being ashamed

Anyway, my argument is with my inflated ego that thinks it's the only one!!!

WHAT I LOVE ABOUT MY BOOK------THE READERS!

I am having a ball talking with people about the ideas in my book.
It is so true that the readers makes the book their own, reading with a very personal filter.

I've been giving out advanced copies (meaning I intend to do some changes to make the final book work well with my new web-site to come--cosmetics really)
to rather random people like my dental receptionist  my mail deliverer, and a neighbor.  

My neighbor circled back the next day to say he loved the "Amen". I had no idea he was spiritually hungry with no place or home base for it. More discussion to come. The receptionist looked up as I left to say, "I love 103 and 23!" 

Some people feel sorry for me for having a hard life! Never entered my mind. Others say I'm too hard on my self. Never entered my mind. (I will write about that next week)  Then again, I'm not writing from my mind. I'm writing from my soul.  

I'm discovering the gift of having readers. You make the book very alive and organic. You teach me what I don't know. You stimulate new ideas. And you lead me to gratitude which is the easiest way to enter prayer space. 
Thank you.

ANYWAY

I'm back from Mexico and having a hard time re-entering church again. (Not quite as hard as when I hadn't been in one for 40 years!) But,still an inertia exists. In Mexico I can walk up the alley to the tiny community church and bathe in a little reverence without having to be much of a participant. 

In Mexico the reverence and habit and ritual are ingrained, not necessarily actively chosen. I sometimes envy that. I wonder how it would have been if I had been ingrained to church. I should have been. I went every Sunday to church as a toddler and up until 8th grade. That is when the world intervened and I began to think and wonder for myself. And here I am still thinking and wondering for myself.

I have always felt guilty about most worship since then. Not during worship, but before and after worship. Do I say words I don't really mean? Where do I really fit in? Am I a voyeur? Am I a taker, not a giver? An observer not a participant? Blah blah blah. 

You see how the word "ANYWAY" fits into my book and my life.  I will go to church 'anyway' just as I pray 'anyway', just as I love 'anyway.'  Regardless of barriers--anyway.

READERS MATTER!

Puzzles me to care so much
About the BIG questions
When it's the little ones
That drive me nuts


I have many interests, too many. I can second guess myself. I get bored. Sometimes I wonder about the book I've published (I PRAY ANYWAY) and think "I'm so over it" meaning I'm ready to write another book or that I question the quality of what I have written. 

And then, dear reader (sounds so nicely Victorian, doesn't it?)  I hear from one of you. One comment from a reader renews my excitement for this topic of prayer beyond ambivalence and assures me that it's just fine to put out to the world an imperfect but honest product. 

And here is some of what I hear: 

"I've been questioning if I don't lose something in my life by depending only on the rationale part of living."

"It is so reassuring to know someone else feels like I do."

"I feel less lonely with my own ambivalence that keeps me from 'joining'."

"We are in a moment of huge transition in the world about forms of faith.
I enjoy this kind of 'prayer'."

This is just a smattering of comments. I so appreciate the reviews that have been put on Amazon. They help me see what the book is and does.

In other words, people---READERS MATTER.  Thank you.

HELP ME--LOVE ME!

Help me to love me
When I'm lumpy and depleted
When I can't help others
When I can't spread joy
When I don't laugh at myself
When I have lost perspective
Help me love me

I wrote that reflection this week when I was just 'out of sorts'.
(What the heck are 'sorts' to be out of?)

Anyway, I'm sure you know what I mean.
DOLDRUMS.
Stuck, nothing working, cranky with me.
No get up and go.
All of that.
I know exactly what to do when doldrums happen, but when you are in the 'doldrums' it's action that is the hard thing to do.
Two things work for me. Either I do something kind for someone else (like writing my former mother-in-law that I love and don't write) or doing something kind for me. This time I chose me. Even so, the hard part is to get in gear. It took me four hours of lolly gagging around until I dressed and walked to the center of town in San Miguel. Movement is the most important part to kill the doldrums. I walked and I started to see interesting houses and plants and colors. I stopped and had coffee and a Mexican cookie. I began to enjoy. What a relief. I could still enjoy! I wasn't stuck any more. I wandered in and out of stores and bought little gifts for people. I stopped and watched a wedding party leave the main church in the square. I sat on a bench and went into a trance and watched people. It was soothing.  

It doesn't matter at all why the doldrums happen.
Treat it like an act of nature. Not your fault.
Only matters that you know the doldrums won't last if--
You get your rear in gear and do something very different for yourself or someone else. Always works.

Look up 'doldrums' in the dictionary. Great word.