ANSWERS TO: WHAT IS "CHURCH" FOR YOU?

Well, that is kind of a lousy question and I will change it but as I used to say in my work as a Corporate Executive, "No matter what you ask, people will answer, talking about what they want to say".  A question can be like an open invitation.

I'm getting braver about asking this question. There may be a book hidden in it.
By braver I mean, I sometimes hate to ask any question because of the assumptions people automatically make. My book I PRAY ANYWAY is about my ambivalence about religion and God-ness and transcendent reality and so far people have identified it as a self-help for busy women, to a desire to encourage people to pray, to a statement or atheism. I wish. For that kind of absoluteness.
Maybe I 'pray' for it.

So this week, one person took the question to be a Rorshach test and began to spew against organized religion. One more irritated, disillusioned Catholic went on at length about the goal of religion to control, to gain power over others, to create fear as well as its hypocritical behavior throughout--forever. I tried to clarify the question taking it away from an actual church building toward what was sacred to this person. Nope. The rant had begun. We were at dinner and the check finally came. I had not said a word for twenty minutes. I would have liked to have lasted longer to see what might come at the end of the emptying of the bile. But he hadn't finished and I was out of time.

The next person I asked was fast and clear. Her art is her church and her worship. (In fact she writes icons. 'Write' is the technical term.) But any time she is creating beauty feels like church to her. She said, "I feel joy and a presence of holiness and calm and timelessness. Contentment even in my cray life and world. Art is my church."

There you have it. I really want to hear your answer.
www.iprayanyway.com  
I am collecting answers at this address and will not identify the source only the content in general terms and with permission.

WHERE IS YOUR CHURCH?

My husband and I are visiting our west coast kids--Seattle, Portland, and Santa Cruz. We talk about everything while we are eating everything. So we talk about 
I PRAY ANYWAY: Devotions for the Ambivalent.

My daughter-in-law read the book in one sitting. I asked 'why?'  She said because it felt in such real time and she could eaved drop on someone's thoughts as that someone wrestled with the dilemmas of religion today.
We talked about the dilution of church going and how it happened. We both had church going parents and we went too until about the age of 16 when it dwindled, somewhat for our parents and severely for us.

My daughter-in-law is a superb cook and, yes, foodie.  She and my son were recently in Hawaii and we were looking at photos. Her were all plates of food. No sign of Hawaii vistas.  She works as a fund raiser for TILTH an organization in Seattle dedicated to guarding natural resources and creating an equitable and healthy local food economy.  

She was cooking dinner and definitely in a creative zone. She looked-up at me and said, "This is my church."  She went on to talk about her reverence for the earth and the glory of good food and honoring the process of earth to mouth by using it well. This was not a glib moment. It was serious and intimate and profound.

Where is your church???

DIVE IN

From I PRAY ANYWAY: Devotions for the Ambivalent

Theological purity causes so many ills
Do you know
How many religious hairs can be split
In how many books
Over how many centuries?
Which came first?
Prayer or theology?
Experience or concept?
Natural reverence or rule bound worship?
I honestly felt I could not have a prayer practise
Until I knew that was true
I thought C.S. Lewis would tell me
Or Thomas Merton
Maybe ancient mystics
No such luck
Sometimes, you just have to dive in

EGO--FRIEND OR FOE?

"I'll tell you what shames me
The Fall from my overblown ego
After I realize
That I've huffed and puffed it up"

Joyce


I have had people tell me, after reading my book, that I am awfully hard on myself. And I'll think about that with some seriousness. I don't know if I'm hard on myself or simply capable or an accurate assessment that I don't mind sharing or have an odd standard.

I know that most the people who say that I'm hard on me are under the age of 40--the demogragh that doesn't brook dents in their self-esteem and believes us all to be capable of anything. Wow, maybe I'm a curmudgeon.

I think I know when my ego is over engaged, maybe not in the moment, but after the moment. I love my accomplishments. I think I am a good leader, an interesting person, a generous person, a smart person, a funny person, etc.
That's a healthy ego speaking. It's the inflated ego that is ridiculous, that lies just a little to look better, that gets self important all of a sudden, that loves to be proven right, that grandstands the conversation. That's the ego I'm talking about defeating. 

How I know the difference from the healthy ego and the inflated ego?
--The cringe factor is large upon reflection when the inflated ego is at play
--You are  happy and satisfied but no one else seems to be
--There is a sense of let down after the inflation moment
--There is usually a specific moment of hightened self congratulation rather than a solid steady ground of self-worth
--You say and do things that are embarrassing to the point of being ashamed

Anyway, my argument is with my inflated ego that thinks it's the only one!!!

WHAT I LOVE ABOUT MY BOOK------THE READERS!

I am having a ball talking with people about the ideas in my book.
It is so true that the readers makes the book their own, reading with a very personal filter.

I've been giving out advanced copies (meaning I intend to do some changes to make the final book work well with my new web-site to come--cosmetics really)
to rather random people like my dental receptionist  my mail deliverer, and a neighbor.  

My neighbor circled back the next day to say he loved the "Amen". I had no idea he was spiritually hungry with no place or home base for it. More discussion to come. The receptionist looked up as I left to say, "I love 103 and 23!" 

Some people feel sorry for me for having a hard life! Never entered my mind. Others say I'm too hard on my self. Never entered my mind. (I will write about that next week)  Then again, I'm not writing from my mind. I'm writing from my soul.  

I'm discovering the gift of having readers. You make the book very alive and organic. You teach me what I don't know. You stimulate new ideas. And you lead me to gratitude which is the easiest way to enter prayer space. 
Thank you.

ANYWAY

I'm back from Mexico and having a hard time re-entering church again. (Not quite as hard as when I hadn't been in one for 40 years!) But,still an inertia exists. In Mexico I can walk up the alley to the tiny community church and bathe in a little reverence without having to be much of a participant. 

In Mexico the reverence and habit and ritual are ingrained, not necessarily actively chosen. I sometimes envy that. I wonder how it would have been if I had been ingrained to church. I should have been. I went every Sunday to church as a toddler and up until 8th grade. That is when the world intervened and I began to think and wonder for myself. And here I am still thinking and wondering for myself.

I have always felt guilty about most worship since then. Not during worship, but before and after worship. Do I say words I don't really mean? Where do I really fit in? Am I a voyeur? Am I a taker, not a giver? An observer not a participant? Blah blah blah. 

You see how the word "ANYWAY" fits into my book and my life.  I will go to church 'anyway' just as I pray 'anyway', just as I love 'anyway.'  Regardless of barriers--anyway.

READERS MATTER!

Puzzles me to care so much
About the BIG questions
When it's the little ones
That drive me nuts


I have many interests, too many. I can second guess myself. I get bored. Sometimes I wonder about the book I've published (I PRAY ANYWAY) and think "I'm so over it" meaning I'm ready to write another book or that I question the quality of what I have written. 

And then, dear reader (sounds so nicely Victorian, doesn't it?)  I hear from one of you. One comment from a reader renews my excitement for this topic of prayer beyond ambivalence and assures me that it's just fine to put out to the world an imperfect but honest product. 

And here is some of what I hear: 

"I've been questioning if I don't lose something in my life by depending only on the rationale part of living."

"It is so reassuring to know someone else feels like I do."

"I feel less lonely with my own ambivalence that keeps me from 'joining'."

"We are in a moment of huge transition in the world about forms of faith.
I enjoy this kind of 'prayer'."

This is just a smattering of comments. I so appreciate the reviews that have been put on Amazon. They help me see what the book is and does.

In other words, people---READERS MATTER.  Thank you.