I share a story written by my brother-in-law.

It is the kind of mini-miracle I want to notice.  And he did.

Watch for them in your life and share them too, please.

They are an extra-ordinary good fortune that is unexpected and unusually good. Mini-miracles have a sense of quickening to them no matter how small.
My brother-in-law recognized this.  Here it is:

   A Christmas Story

I had an interesting Christmas experience.  It was shaping up to be a very difficult day.  This was the time two years ago that we were struggling to save Romie’s life.  In addition I was faced with the prospect of being alone Christmas Eve and morning for the first time in my life.  My son John and his wife Cara come down mid day after they visit his wife’s Mom and my son Eric and his wife Jackie normally come home for the holiday from CA but he is not well at the moment and could not travel.  That in itself was tragic.  So what to do?  I found that Romie’s sister was going to also be alone so I spent Christmas Eve with her.  In the morning I planned to go to church even though this has been very emotional for me in the past few years.  Shirley in the parish has been very supportive and I normally sit with her but she was going to church Christmas Eve.  Nonetheless I thought I would find someone I knew.  In the morning I fired up my courage, found my old red Christmas sweater at the bottom of a trunk, and ventured off to church.  When I arrived there was only one car there and I then suddenly realized that most go to church Christmas Eve.  I was faced with the prospect of sitting alone and it occurred to me that this might be the occasion where I finally came completely unstuck.  I was not looking forward to going into church.  At that moment another car pulled up and a very animated guy emerged and came quickly to where I was standing.  “Good morning, Merry Christmas and how are you doing today.”  He was a stranger and so animated and friendly that my first reaction was that he was some sort of aberration.  Strangers are not normally that outgoing and I really expected that after we greeted he would disappear in a puff of smoke.  Not so he was a real person and we went into church together.  The ones who were there were all sitting on the left but my family has always sat in the same pew on the right.  The prospect was that I would be really alone there so I asked the stranger if he would care to join me and he was very pleased.  We visited a bit before the service.  It turned out that he lives in Florida and was visiting the area.  He is an Episcopalian and very familiar with the service and had researched the local churches to find ours. He was very friendly and outgoing so much so that this saved the day for me.  During the service I spent some time wiping away tears and I think he noticed.  At the end we got onto the subject of what ails me and he was enormously supportive.  Out of the blue he suggested “why don’t you become a deacon?”  This was odd in that I have been thinking about what I could do in the future that might benefit mankind in some way.  Becoming a deacon was not under consideration but not knowing what I have been contemplating how did he happen to suggest something on a humanitarian level?  Further on in the conversation he said “you are fortunate that your wife went first and she does not have to suffer as you are doing.”  This was also odd in that this has been my train of thought as well.

All of this struck me as unusual so I have written it down.  There are several scenarios that might explain the experience.  One is that this man who is very outgoing happened to arrive at the right time and happened to meet someone who needed support.  The minimum take away is that there can be a profound effect when one human meets another on this level.  Another scenario is that his being there was the result of intervention on a divine level.  How did it happen that an outgoing empathetic stranger arrived just then?  It turned out to be a good day.

PEACE ON EARTH HAS TO BE POSSIBLE!!

If Peace on Earth HAS to (no choice, must happen) possible, what would you do differently?  
I'm thinking about my own answers.  Send me yours.
We'll talk next week.

PEACE ON EARTH HAS TO BE POSSIBLE

Read my very personal message at www.truthburps.blogspot.com
for my thoughts about Peace on Earth.
Back to I PRAY ANYWAY next week.

THE RICHNESS OF NOT WANTING

Kabir (1440-1518) was an Indian poet known to be a smart-aleck or Zen bruiser.  He hated how stupid people could be about religion. His poems can be quite ironic and tender.

Here is one of his more biting poems:

The fish in the water that is thirsty needs
serious professional counseling.

And here is the one that I liked for this especially frenzied time of buying and wanting.

                                     I was

                            looking for that shop

                   where the shopkeeper would say,

                   "There is nothing of value in here."

                             I found it and did

                                  not leave.

                      The richness of not wanting

                                 wrote these

                                    poems.

Doesn't that sound good? Not wanting. No yearning. No disappointment.
No goofy expectations.  There is peace.  There is comfort.  There is joy.

MEXICO KEEPS CHRISTMAS SACRED AND SAVES THE PRESENTS FOR LATER

My first Christmas Eve in Mexico was a let down.  I did my usual Christmas 
rituals with my family which, miraculously, were all present.  Twelve of us. No grandchildren yet. I traipsed out to find a church expecting very special trappings. 

I don't especially like Mexico churches at night because their beautiful
lamps and candelabras often have LED lights or there are neon strip lights highlighting statues in their niches.  So the atmosphere can be a little bleak and 
harsh. But I thought Christmas would be different. Nope.  Normal mass and communion.  Not lots of people.  I went back to our Mexico house disappointed.

Christmas morning is the time for a more elaborate and celebratory service.
The streets were full.  No one was home unwrapping presents; there weren't any. Christmas is not secular at all.

The 6th of January is all about presents.  And it makes sense.  It is Three Kings Day when the three kings made it to the manger.  So----presents are set out for the children to find in the morning and families gather for the festive,
crowded, hectic parties we associate with Christmas Eve and Day.

I so prefer the Latin or Mexican approach.  I hate tainting the holy with the secular, commercial aspects of Christmas.  And I'm fine with the gift giving for kids only on Three Kings Day.   Keeps every thing in its right place.  Makes sense.  

EVEN THE POPE IS EXPLORING THE RELIGION/SCIENCE CONNECTION

How to Talk About Religion is the sub-title of Krista Tippett's book, SPEAKING OF FAITH.  My brother (who was a Methodist Minister and who died two years ago) gave it to me when I was in phase he called "evangelic agnosticism".
His book suggestions to me were often astute.

When my mind turns,not to mush,but to muddle I pick up this book because it is clear about the muddle (if that is possible) between science and religion and finds a middle path through that dichotomy.

Tippet  quotes John Polkinghorne, a quantum physicist quite a bit who became a theologian and Anglican 


          —Religious insights about the nature of God and the scientific insights about the process of the world seem to me actually to be very consonant with each other.  You can't deduced one from the other, but you can see it and they don't seem to be at odds with one another.  
         Science treats the world as an object that you pull apart and constantly put to the test. But we know there are whole realms of human experience
where testing gives way to trusting.  There are times to look at 'wholeness'
and times to 'dissect' parts.  What we need is a complementary way of looking at the world—

These words encourage me.  I read and see science opening up to a transcendent unseen reality.  I wish religion would do more of the same with science. It is coming.  Even the  Pope is evolving.  He says—The 'Big Bang' theory, which we hold to be the origin of the world, does not contradict the intervention of the diving creator, but rather requires it.  Evolution requires the creation of beings that evolve—

OK, one step for mankind, one step for the divine.

NICE, EASY, TAKEN FOR GRANTED BELIEF

I was touched the other day, unexpectedly, while I was numbing out watching the Food Channel.  Trisha Yearwood,the country music star, 
was cooking Thanksgiving dishes.  She's easy to watch and  seems generous and real on her show. I like her. 

Anyway, at the end of her show, she gathered with her family, many of whom are musical as well, to sing with several people playing guitar too.
The song they chose was, "What a Friend We Have in Jesus".  I loved everything about the moment. The ease and habit of this family singing this old sweet hymn together touched me. They were not over thinking their faith or their political correctness. They were singing a song they all knew together in their very sinew. They would shake off my over-thinking religious and spiritual search.

I loved warming my hands around that surety, that simplicity. And it was wholesome and humble. Not a big deal. Nice. Very nice. No fuss belief. 

THAT WAS AWKWARD!

Talking to family and friends about the truth that I pray (certainly in my own way with my own ambivalence) is almost always awkward.

Sometimes there is a sudden silence like on a blind date. " Whoa. This is awkward. How do we get off this topic gracefully?  Where is irreverent Joyce?
How do I tell her what a waste of time this book is.  She should be writing about leadership. Oh good. We'll just skip over the topic. Polite interest should do it. Whew."

Well it is odd. Then again I am at the point where one reconciles the various parts of oneself and life.  And I have always been a closet pray--er. Just give me a crisis and I'm in. Give me too much anguish and I'm gonna pray.
One prayer leads to another and suddenly there is a prayer practice. And slowly, not suddenly, it becomes different from a pain reliever.  More a joy seeking. 

Oh dear. Why don't I just shut up and get this book published so i can go on to 
one on leadership.  I have decided to begin to put the book (page by page) on Facebook on the I PRAY ANYWAY page--just like you put a seedling out to harden. I think maybe I'm the seedling.

MINI-MIRACLES, SYNCRONICITY, ODD COINCIDENCE, WHO CARES?

My whole premise is "I don't know much for sure AND I pray anyway".
You'll hear much more about that when my book is done (manuscript in draft form at this point--tweaking time) 

My point today goes back to the fact that we live in a miracle resistant culture.
Therefore we are blind to little gifts of grace or eensy beentsy miracles that we bump into daily. I know that I shake them off all the time. 

Here's one that has me interested from this week.  I write to a college friend frequently by email.  We grouse and laugh and share our life stories and pretend that we are in a coffee shop together.

My friend wrote complaining about not being able to find something she really wanted--a photo I think.  Then she listed a few other special things she couldn't find.  I wrote back saying, "Please don't get me started about lost things.
For instance where is the Christmas table cloth I haven't found the last two years in a row and where is my high school class ring? I really want it. Is it in a dump somewhere or a pawn shop?"  I sent the email.

Two hours later, I got a phone call from a college sorority sister I hadn't heard
from her since she graduated a year before me--almost 50 years.  She said, "Are you this 'Joyce' and gave details. I said, "yes".  She said she was cleaning out old jewelry to give away or organize and found a ring that she suddenly thought might be mine. It was a class ring and had my initials in it. (Pre-marriage initials) Right color, right size. I have it on my finger now. It is indeed my ring.

I told her the story of my email and she said, "Hey, I'm a Unitarian so I'm not
much into this kind of thing but this has me flummoxed."  I sent her a copy of the email about the ring. We are both puzzling about it. Why did she think it was my ring? There were many of us.  We were never room mates or close friends.  Why within two hours of mentioning it, did I get my ring back. (Then, again, why not the Christmas table cloth?)  We were both tickled to talk and this oddity made our day. This is what I call a mini-miracle. Goes beyond probability and has a surprisingly good outcome!! 

Tell me you have this kind of thing.
Tell me it interests you.
Share one. 
Oh I have a good one about my mom's pansies.
Later.

THE MERGING OF SCIENCE AND SPIRITUALITY GIVES ME HOPE

That title is a little extreme, but I mean it--as is.
Can't you sense  a new paradigm, a new mythology forming?
I can get a little irritated that I might die before the next wave of wonder.
It's why we are so muddled right now.
And why we may just blow it here on earth.

The movie INTERSTELLAR is what got me going this morning.
Simply reading about me made me slightly hopeful.
It will popularize the vastness of existence and awe.
It will make conversations about science and spirituality happen. 
It will help religions morph into a new shape and stance
It will show the reality of a neglected reverence for our own planet.

Oh, yes, we are a generation caught in a huge transition.
It used to be that the myth or religion of our time guided our behavior and moral stance.
We are in a time of disintegration of these models that explain the divine and it will be a while til we get a global religion/myth/model/paradigm.
I can't wait for the world to right itself. 
The mess is here.
I pray anyway.

WHY I PRAY ANYWAY

People have asked me why I pray-- anyway.
Here's my response:

To avoid being a hypocrite
I default to prayer in bad time
So how can I not pray in good times
Every day times?

My experience of everyday--ish prayer is good
I do get aligned with a transcendent place of peace
I do get a sense guidance 
I do experience  joy even when life is not good
I do become grateful for this life, now, as it is.

Sometimes I don't know what else to do
The world seems insane
People I love hurt
Real tragedy does occur

I prefer the stance of belief
We have been overly rational in recent centuries
Science is showing the reality of the intangible
The study of energetics will reveal the power of thought/faith

I am happier about my life
I keep my eye on the divine, not on my daily outcomes
I have a sense of adventure about the story arc of my life
I carry more hopefulness
I feel truer to me

That's Why I Pray----Anyway

DISTRUSTING SHALLOW TRITE SPIRITUAL WORDS IS UNIVERSAL!!!

I just enjoyed a kind of cosmic chuckle.
I stumbled across some writing of the Persian poet Hafiz who was born around 1325.
He wrote ecstatic love poetry to the divine and had a wicked sense of humor.
(Never trust anyone with a spiritual bent than isn't funny.)
His writing is revered in Iran/Persia and quoted like proverbs.

Here he is making fun of "would be" spiritual poets.

A POETRY WORKSHOP

If I ever gave a poetry workshop,
here are some key factors I would elaborate upon
hoping to give you your money's worth.

---Watch out for the word "flower"
It can be lethal.

---Be equally on your guard for the word "rainbow"
and its (for the most part) assault on serious literature

---And the words "Butterfly" or "Star", I love them,
but I think they are best left off the page unless you
are desperate, and/or have not yet reached puberty.

---That about rounds out the general holy trinity of "don'ts"
in poems, from my perspective

---And if you every succumb to using the work "Flower, Rainbow,
or the B or S word more than twice in one book, unless it very
cleverly done----well

Well, you should really invite someone to shoot you!

Hafiz

And from my prayer/poems soon to be a book:

I can't stand 
High faulting love language
Or spiritual language
You can't stand on
I want gritty fierce earthy words
For my prayer

me

MIRACLE RESISTANT

We are a miracle resistant culture
It's not that they don't happen.
It's that we don't acknowledge them except in an off hand way, usually, by saying we were lucky or shaking our head with dumb bewilderment.

My daughter is making a list of mini-miracles she herself has experienced or someone close to her has relayed to her. If you want to share one, big or small, I'd love to hear it. I'm curious about what constitutes aa miracle for you.

Here's my latest:
I was feeling fatigued at the slightest exertion. I have had a heart attack, so I called my cardio guy.I had an echo cardiogram that was not good.
It indicated "severe dilation of the right ventricle"--hello congestive heart failure. He ordered a catheterization for a week later.

A week before the echocardiogram I ordered a healing herb book by Hildegaard en Bingen a Medieval nun. I was on yet another health kick.
I ran to it after the test results. Good ol Hildegaard says green jasper heals heart problems. I ordered a heart shaped green jasper stone and loaded in into my bra by my heart. That stone drove me nuts.  My granddaughter hated it and cried if I showed it to her. It fell out. I lost it. Did not bode well. I was wary of it rather than comforted.

I had test nerves four days before the catheterization. My husband suggested a ride to the ocean for sunset. Good idea. I got in the car and on the front seat on my side was an aquamarine crystal heart the size of my palm. We were stunned and kept coming up with reasons about how it could possible have gotten there. I put that stone next to my heart and kept it there til the morning of my test----when it fell out of my bra and chipped on the hospital floor. I did not panic. I knew it had done its work and wasn't needed. 

The test showed no sign of dilation and no blockage. My heart was better than ever. There were other aspects to this odd healing, that I'll save. Dilation usually doesn't heal and certainly not in a week. I'm tempted to do what we all 
tend to do--accept the good result  but not as a miracle.  Maybe as an unsolved mystery! 

Here's my question. If we were not miracle resistant, how many miracles would we experience in a day?  

FORGIVE ME ANY HURTS OR WRONGS INTENTIONAL OR UNINTENTIONAL----

Say that phrase out loud. Doesn't it feel good? Now say it to someone you care about and who you live with, work with and maybe  have bad feelings with. Then think of all the people you could and maybe should say it to and how you can make it evident even without these specific words.

I write this on Saturday, Yom Kippur, The Day of Atonement, one of the most holy days in the Jewish religion.  Yom Kippur starts with Rosh Hashanah and lasts 10 days.  The book of Judgment for the past year is opened and you have 
10 days to repent and make right any actions you regret (or are sinful).
Then on Yom Kippur you atone and the book is closed for the year. I have a dear friend who teaches me all things Jewish by how she honors the holidays.
Each year, on Yom Kippur,  we hold hands and ask forgiveness for any hurts or wrongs we may have caused. Takes a moment but is powerful, none the less.

I love this festival and holy day.  It involves looking back, repenting--acknowledging wrongs and then atonement--making things right. And then having a clean page for the new year. It is a profound cleansing process.

We, in America, tend to think that an apology does the trick with no need for atonement.  We love a good apology. Think instead  about making it right. That's where powerful humility starts.  

Think of all the people you would like to hear say this phrase, "Forgive me for any hurts or wrongs intentional or unintentional" and who you would love to see and hear say them.  I would like to see the UN representatives speaking each to one another solemnly saying these words.  Join me in imagining it, conjuring it, praying it into being.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!  

MY CREED--SO FAR

I trust, trust.
Belief and Faith are such loaded words.
I trust (as in "lean into, have confidence in"
That there is a reality beyond the physical world we see
That we co-create our reality with our most potent thoughts
That "God" is a positive creative force if we align with "it"
That we are in a true paradigm shift in religious forms
That we have been skewed to the scientific/rational point of view
That our world is soul sick
That silence and solitude course correct the soul. Wordlessly
That we are in a fragile moment of history
That every act of forbearance and compassion helps
That being human and flawed needs humor and fun
That laughter opens the heart
That each of our individual acts matter to create the tipping point for good


AND YOU?
What do you trust in? Not who?
In this transitioning chaotic world, what holds you steady?
What do you wish you could trust in?

LEAP OF FAITH?

Leaping to faith has some drawbacks.  
Sometimes when we leap, it's because we are pushed.
Sometimes when we leap, it's to jump over uncertainty.
Sometimes when we leap, it's because others are leaping.
There is an alternative.
Grow to faith.
Build a foundation.
Work your way to certainty
Then if you choose a leap, you will have your feet under you.

OUT BEYOND WRONGDOING AND RIGHTDOING

Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and 
right doing
Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and 
right doing
There is a field.  I'll meet you there.

Rumi


I want you to know this place and how to get there and how to welcome people into it. It is a place of no blame. It is the place created when an angry wife and husband listen generously and create a new way to be. It is the place where fervent religions can step over differences and pray together. It is the place where nation leaders swallow their anger and design a difficult peace.
It is a place where a governing body  both gives and takes to create the greatest good for the greatest number.  

We need to grow this space moment by moment as we
forbear and give up our righteousness, as we choose compassion in a moment of hate, as we mature spiritually for the good of our planet. I'll meet your there.

FOUR WORDS THAT SURPRISE ME

I go to church.

Shhhh.  I go to church.  I haven't since I was 20 years old.  I kind of thought
I should.  I kind of wanted to for my kids.  I tried a few times. Nothing took.
I know how crazy organized  religion (what a term!) could be--how full of hate and power abuse or how dead and rote it could be. I gave it up. I'd stick with my disorganized "religion".

Now I go to church. 
It's all my daughter's fault.
She found a church. She had the real hunger. And she told my husband and me that we HAD to be her guest at her church--her African American Episcopal
Methodist church.  

How do I describe what happened?  I expected good music. Raucous gospel.
I expected to feel very very white and WASPy. I expected to have a nice experience and to go home happy to have supported my daughter.

I didn't expect to feel immediately at home. I didn't expect to feel immediately able to join in worship unselfconsciously. I didn't expect to be able to be sad, happy, quiet, loud, sit, stand, clap, and be utterly myself comfortable in my own skin. I didn't expect the joy and warmth and relief of being with real people pressing on with their lives with faith. I didn't expect to bump into a long ago neglected spiritual joy and adventure. I didn't expect doubts and differences to be so common and expected. Mostly, I didn't expect to return to church.

But I did and do. Again and again.
I have a Pastor!! I would say he is extraordinary. He would say he is the conduit for God's work. He creates an atmosphere of ease and spirit. It is organic and creative and unfolds to the needs of the day. It can be trusted. There is no phoniness. I leave with deep joy, ready for what life has to throw my way, full of gratitude.  That's why I can say--

I go to church. 

Still surprises me.

IS SUFFERING REALLY OPTIONAL?

Every "religion" seems to have its own stance about suffering.
Some minimize it with an approach like Bhuddism--working like crazy to create a distant perspective to it. "Mmmm how interesting, here comes pain. No need to suffer."

I was raised a Methodist. Sorrow was quiet and private not made central to the church. Christ was risen, not stuck on the cross.  God was good-- period. We were soothed by a good pot luck dinner. Gathering after a funeral had more cakes than people and tended to be noisy and joyful

I live in Mexico part of the year and the suffering of Jesus is appreciated and loved and is a sweet sorrow. Worship is mournful throughout the year.
Suffering is beautiful. Enjoyed.

And of course we have new thought approaches like those in the Course in Miracles that teach we create our own suffering and if we would only think differently we would not have reason to suffer.  

I recently had lunch with a business colleague. We tended to agree that a leap in learning seems to involve discomfort at best, suffering at worst.  
What's your thought on suffering? I think you can learn in moments of great joy too.  It bumps you to a new stance in life. Then again, I come from Midwest Methodist stock.


One problem with Christianity is
Not just an early history of suffering
But the now of suffering
The pleasure of suffering
The implied reward of suffering
That turns so quickly to 
The habit of a victim

joyce wilson-sanford
from I PRAY ANYWAY

WALLOWING

Gratitude is a very on trend topic these days.
Good for the heart physically, good for the emotions for sure.
There are so many reminders about it that I'm fascinated by the dominance of gratitude in books and magazines.
Is it a counter-balance to the horror of much of the world?
Is it the mantra of a materialistic culture--a way to calm our greed?  
Is it a spiritual discipline that we can all agree on?

A friend sent out a reminder of the need for a gratitude attitude when a friend of hers wrote about her kitchen in need of an update.  Regardless of the details, the point was to remind us to appreciate our kitchens just as they are--and everything else too.
So I share this prayer/poem from I PRAY ANYWAY--Devotions for the Ambivalent:

WALLOWING

Wallowing a bit
Not seeing all the good stuff
My life is full
Rich
Jam packed with learning
Creating,loving
Work, catastrophe too
Who could ask for anything more?
Well, just give me a minute!

MY SPIRITUAL REALITY SHOW #4

 

My teen-age God dry spell ended with falling in love

Age sixteen, radiant, brilliant, glowing falling in love

The world glistened

I was so full of gratitude, I re-opened my Bible

New Testament

Love, love, love

Everywhere

Jesus suddenly made sense to me

I had so much fullness, so easy to give, to be joyful

I read and discovered theology through

my now Seminarian brother

(yet another Christmas Eve ramification)

I quit going to church

(No boys needed now)

But I did nightly devotions and knew a very

Satisfying prayer experience

God was good again

I WANT TO RIGHT SIZE MY LIFE

I want to right size my life
Shed some stuff
Pare down daily irritations
Make larger the work that's mine to do
Gigantic energy to do it
A medium size ego to make it happen
Few but true friends
Less to heal
More to give
Gobs of living in the present

DO YOU BELIEVE IN MIRACLES -------OR THE IMPROBABLITY PRINCIPLE?

A miracle is "an object of wonder, a welcome. surprising, extraordinary event
that can't be explained by science and is thought to have come from divine intervention".

Mostly, I don't care where a miracle comes from but I've had a few, seen a few. My response is to want to give thanks to a Higher Power/God that is beyond knowing so I must believe in this intervening awesome good.

I remember an affirmation that took me through a painful divorce and rupture of my family. "I expect a miracle today."  I don't know where the phrase came from but I hung on to it like a kid to candy. It kept me hopeful and looking for the miracle of the day. And they came--ten dollars in the mail right when I'd run out of money for the week, an invitation to a job interview without having ever applied for the job.  And later in life, living through a heart attack because I was in the right place at the right time. 

But my eye was caught by the title of this book.
I share it with you for the honesty of it, I think.
Maybe not every miracle is a miracle.
Thank goodness for those that are.

The Improbability Principle--why coincidence, miracles and rare events happen every day--By David J. Hand 

l. Law of Inevitability --something must happen

2. Law of Truly Large Numbers--given enough opportunities, unlikely things will happen

3. Law of Selection--we paint targets after the arrows have hit

4. Law of Near Enough--things that are sufficiently similar are treated as if they are identical

Food for thought.

I STRUGGLE WITH PRAYER

I struggle with prayer
But not with praying
Belief scares me
But not believing
Hope can sound so vapid
But hoping does not
Doubt seems immutable
Doubting not so much
Nouns are so rigid
Verbs keep on moving

joyce wilson-sanford

MY SPIRITUAL REALITY SHOW EPISODE # 6

People have asked me to share more of my "spiritual reality show" which I have made into mini- segments for my book I PRAY ANYWAY--Devotions for the Ambivalent.  So I will.  Here is number 6. 

My marriage ended
The usual stuff
I was surprised by the nice guy
An affair --an abrupt ending
A shredded heart and bewildered little ones
A wise therapist piecing me back together gave me a recipe for dark night despair:
One shot of whiskey, one psalm and one thread on a cross stitch project
"If you still feel you can't live, call me"
I never made a call
But god was front and center again

With a capital G
Psalms soothed me
Prayer guided me to accept and forgive. Really. And not as a victim
But to grow as a strong working single mama
Devotional reading kept me going

As well as irreverently humored friends and kids who needed a functional mom

WHY NOT?

My basic premise for I pray anyway is that I'm not waiting anymore to get the ultimate truth or theological perfection before I pray.  I need to pray, I enjoy praying and it is an optimistic action. It's me saying "yes".

My husband explores far and wide when it comes to spiritual searching and
possibilities. He basically has always run a senior seminar series for our marriage. Sometimes I moan and groan about a video he selects when i am hungry for shallow!  

So recently we watched a program about life between lives.  Basically, people are hypnotized into a very deep strata between wakefulness and sleep and are taken to a life that was/is the source of an active dynamic in their life now ie. loneliness or a constant physical pain. They go through that life until the death experience.  The participants give very specific data that is later checked out historically--sometimes quite successfully. But, while hypnotized, they talk about where they went in between lives.  

Here is some of what is commonly described:
--They travel quickly up and through many lights--like the milky way a thousand fold stronger.
--They are met by welcoming soul-mates. This is a soul group that is like a home room. They are your ultimate tribe and are a pleasant surprise as to who in your life/lives is one of your soul group. This experience is like a very good family reunion.
--Sometimes there is a time of restoring and healing if the life they have come from was traumatic
--Next they are led to a council of elders both men and women who are old souls. Participants describe a beautiful dome they pass under. The elders are in white robes that are more energy than fabric. They help the recently returned review their lives and see if they are learning what they need to learn. The experience is described as enjoyable and not one bit judgmental. There is one leader but participants were hesitant to say God. It all felt like God.
--Finally the returned soul is given the choice of assuming another life in the physical world or to have some more respite and healing time before another life experience.

These common experience elements came from more that 7000 participants in the hypnosis and life regressions. I think the video name is Flip Side or so says my husband. (I am away on a ladies' week-end)  Sounds like a silly name to me so I'll double check when home to be sure. 

Food for thought. Sounds kind of nice.
Now to watch Downton Abbey.

MY SPIRITUAL REALITY SHOW EPISODE #5

God stayed good and I stayed devout
All through College
I went to church and Wednesday night communion
Regularly
My first roommate was nervous when she saw a Bible on my desk
She was relieved when she saw that I dated--every night
I fell in and out of love with nice guys every semester. Midwest wholesome love
My Senior year I got engaged at Christmas and married in June 
To one of the nice guys
I took a History of Experimental Psychology course
The professor said, "You've too good a brain to believe in God. Hope this course knocks it out of you."
It made a dent
But on into the Peace Corps (missionary at last) young marriage putting husband through law school as a teacher, and two children,
No church, some prayer, God diffuse and slightly scorned, not essential to a life
Rife for a re-emergence 

OH JERUSALEM!!

I am thinking about when I got truly nauseated by religion that led to a time of my being a kind of evangelical agnostic. For quite a while. 

Here's the funny part.  I was in Bethlehem on the exact spot where Jesus was born. Sweet Jesus would have had a fit. There was a huge sterling silver
star to mark the place. (think Judas and silver)  I paid money and waited in line to shuffle toward the star. It was backed by dirty velvet curtains.  I walked down a few stairs and decided to do what everyone else was doing. I knelt and kissed the star. Ugh. So many mouth smears. Then up and out to be plied with souvenir wares of the visit. I'm telling you, Jesus would have thrown everyone out of the church and proclaimed us Pharisees and it would have been a relief.

Then there was the visit to the Church of the Holy Sepulcre that housed the cave/sepulcre where Jesus had been buried. There were three separate entrances for Christians, Muslims and Coptics. Why? Because there had been such bitter fights with only one entrance. Inside, everything was covered with a thick coat of a wax like substance to stop people from chipping off a piece of the stone to take home. Although I was moved through so fast, chipping would have been difficult.

And of course visiting the stations of the cross where Jesus walked was
smack dab in the middle of the bazaar where vendors were more interesting than the guide. People dropped out and back in after buying a rug or two.

I was allowed a very special dispensation when I went to the western wall.
I got to go under the temple in a new excavation.  It took very odd twists and turns because it had to pass under a Nunnery and the Nuns would not allow anyone to walk underneath their house and besmirch their purity. I can not even comment on that.

There was a moment that should have been miraculous.  There was a call to prayer, church bells ringing and a priest broadcasting by microphone a mass all beginning at the exact same moment. It could have been a lovely moment of religious tolerance.  But after all the extreme loyalties I experienced, I swear it felt like advertising.  

The depth and passion, each for their own religion was not admirable.
It felt cheap and shallow and a little nuts. And very very commercial.

I had a big spritual pause after my Jerusalem trip.
Birthplace of every religion that thinks it's the only one.

POLARITIES ARE JUST POINTS ON THE SAME CIRCLE

--Opposites always circle around
And bumping into each other
Then what?
Run the other way again?
Or play spiritual chicken?
Taking a rigid stand
Meld- making a mess?
Of let one another both exist?
Living together on the same continuum-- jws


There is something off for me when belief becomes something to push.
Belief and doubt are on the same continuum
On a continuum, no one idea or feeling can win
They can separate, distance or stand close
But not cancel its opposite
Hope and fear
Love and hate
Human and divine
Co-existence is what its called

MY SPIRITUAL REALITY SHOW --EPISODE # 3

--Boys brought me back to church but not to God!
And not to the same church.
Only as I write do I realize I never attended church with my parents again.
But as a Freshman in high school I began to cut across the alley to the EUB
church.  Evangelical United Brethern.
Where the boys were.
Where we tolerated embarrassing activities in order to be close to thundering 
hormones.
We roller skated, we sang Christmas carols to old people, we collected clothing
we served soup awash in giddy attraction.
I dressed up with great care and planning just to sit and rub elbows in church with my latest crush.
God played no part in this church going--


Here's what I find interesting about Episode #3
My parents did continue to go to "their" church
And for 3 years they let me stay at home.
And never said boo about the switch when I started to go the EUB church.
Two very different experiences, I tell you.
I know my mom fussed.
And I know my dad protected my choice.
It was not a slight rebellion.
My young world view had been profoundly changed.
I appreciate the gift of their tolerance and respect for me.

MY SPIRITUAL REALITY SHOW -- EPISODE # 2

I'm sharing some of the entries of a book I'm working on.
I PRAY ANYWAY--Devotions for the Ambivalent.
I share them to get used to the idea of sharing intimate stuff.
I'm like a seedling getting hardened for the real garden. (Huh?)
Always glad for comments and your stories.
Because I don't really write. I talk. And love a conversation.


In sixth grade I gave God up
On Christmas Eve no less
Went to Christmas Service with my parents my college brother, and his fiance
My best friend and I were in the choir
We all went to her house after the service for Polish food and fun
I couldn't wait to tell her I had been kissed for the first time
(My boy crush and later love had come by my house with mistletoe)
Both yuck and yowee!
I remember red hot cheeks
I never did tell her
A phone call ruined Christmas and God for me
My brother's girlfriend's family had been killed in a car accident
Hit by a drunken driver
Her grandparents, her parents, her seven year old brother and a new baby girl
All killed
A six casket funeral
A nine year old sister lived

So may ramifications from that night
I did not have an alcoholic drink until I was forty-four
I still am uncomfortable around real drunkenness
I immediately refused church, Sunday school, prayer,Bible
If God was not good, phooey oh him (small h )
Done
For quite a while
I gave up on God

MY SPIRITUAL REALITY SHOW--Episode # 1

Thought I'd share a little history--my spiritual reality show-- to give context for 
why I pray anyway.  Here's the first entry:



I had my first spiritual inkling in 4th grade Sunday School
Mrs Selye was my Sunday School teacher
She inspired me.  I decided to be a missionary
She gave us all a Bible--The New Standard Revised Edition
It was maroon and looked like a book, not a Bible
Mrs Selye did the unthinkable.  She taught us how to write in our Bibles.
Permission to underline
I was a book worm and had a new book
So I read it.
Cover to cover stumbling determinedly through names and generations
I was fervent until 6th grade when in my own mistaken math
I put  two and two together and rejected God
Got mad at God
Good and mad