WATCH NIGHT

Watch Night is a Christian church service held on Christmas Eve usually starting late and ending as the New Year starts at midnight. John Wesley started it in 1740. He was a kind of "start-up" kind of guy. For one, he was the founder of the Methodist church and did all kinds of innovative things creating groups for social action and writing hymns and arguing against tough Calvinism. He was a mover and a shaker of the 18th century and much loved in England. New Year's Eve was just as crazy and drunken then as now and he wanted a safe, reflective place for church members to come and reflect and recommit instead of (or before) revelry!  It is formalized in The Methodist Book of Worship.

It took on a more heightened meaning in the United States for African-Americans.
Slaves gathered in church on New Year's Eve, in 1862, for the moment when the bells rang midnight that confirmed the enactment of the Emancipation Proclamation by President Abraham Lincoln, on January 1,1863.

So there's the history lesson.
I've been to several Watch Night services. They tend to be informal with people speaking from their hearts and sharing gratitude. There is something nice about gathering in a group to do this. It doesn't feel normal churchy but rather a gently thoughtful way to start a New Year. Many of us do this in our conversation with family and friends. Maybe we should focus less on weight loss and more on wisdom gain

IN THE BLEAK MIDWINTER

This hymn In the Bleak Midwinter is my deepest prayer at Christmas time.
Someday, I will be (I will, I will) technologically proficient enough to send it to you being sung. It is the combination of the lyrics and music that brings me to a bowed head.


In The Bleak Mid-Winter  
Christina Rossetti

 In the bleak mid-winter 
  Frosty wind made moan,
Earth stood hard as iron, 
  Water like a stone;
Snow had fallen, snow on snow, 
  Snow on snow,
In the bleak mid-winter
  Long ago.

What can I give Him,
  Poor as I am?
If I were a shepherd
  I would bring a lamb,
If I were a wise man
  I would do my part,
Yet what I can I give Him,
  Give my heart.

ANOTHER KIND OF CHRISTMAS MEMORY

I just wrote on my Truth Burps blog http:\\truthburps.blogspot.com
It was kind of a Holly Jolly piece.
I didn't write about the most impactful Christmas Eve of my life.
I don't think about it consciously very often but its impact is now in my Christmas DNA. It is a sorrow and a realization of how precious our life is. And it is why I never had a drop of alcohol until I was forty. 

In my book I PRAY ANYWAY:Devotions for the Ambivalent I intersperse personal stories with my reflections. Here is the one about that particular Christmas Eve:

In Sixth grade,
I gave up God—
On Christmas no less
Went to Christmas Eve service with my mom and dad,
College brother and his finance
My best friend, Jan, and I were in the choir
We went to her house after service for Polish food
and festivities
Couldn't wait to tell her I had been kissed for the
first time
My boy crush and later love had come by mo house
with Mistletoe that day
And used it---yuck and you
I remember hot cheeks from one little peck
I never told Jan about the kiss
A phone call ruined Christmas and God for me
My brother's fiance's family had been killed 
in a car accident
Hit by a drunken driver
Her grandparents, her parents, her seven year old
brother and a new baby girl
Her nine year old sister lived
So many ramifications from that night
I did not have an alcoholic drink until I was
forty-four years old
I refused church, Sunday school, prayer, Bible
If God was not good, phooey on him
Done
I gave up God

BE STILL

"Be still and know that I am God." 

Be still and know that there is Godness.

Be still and listen for your truth

Be still and see the beauty in your life

Be still and let slowness do its work

Be still and let your heart relax

Be still and be courageous

Be still and let hope live

Be still and hurt

Be still and heal

Be still

Be still

Be still

TWO DEEP SOURCES OF HOPE

I have two deep sources of hope, both I bumped into by 'accident'. One is a TV series called Global Spirit. Here's the formal description:
—Global Spirit mixes evocative film segments and deep discussion to take viewers on a mind and soul expanding journey through ancient wisdom traditions, modern science, diverse belief systems, metaphysics and world religions—

Now, I have watched some weird stuff on TV including Ancient Alien Theorists. (Blame it on my esoteric husband) Global Spirit is qualitatively different. It is intelligent, thoughtful conversation beautifully and gently facilitated. Each episode has a theme or kindred guests, usually three. There is nice laughter, lots of joy, well earned wisdom from some of the 
larger bumps and bruises of a life.

Now I have watched some weird stuff on TV including Ancient Alien Theorists. (Blame it on my esoteric husband)  This is different. It is intelligent, thoughtful conversation beautifully and gently facilitated.  Each episode usually has a theme or kindred guests, usually three. Nice laughter, experienced life trudgers with great stories and well earned wisdom and lots of joy.

HOPE SOURCE # 1  
Global Spirit | Link TV https://www.linktv.org/shows/global-spirit Presented by author/actor/comedian John Cleese, "Global Spirit" is a unique inquiry into humankind's belief systems, wisdom traditions and science

My second hope booster is Charter for Compassion

How do I describe it? Not sure. I'm new to it.

Karen Armstrong described it on Global Spirit and I got interested.

Compassion is IT for me. Period. It is at t the heart of pragmatic skills needed for this world to survive AND at the heart of any religion worth its rituals or any spiritual practise worth its incense.
Here is a quote from the charter which you can sign. I have.

—It is necessary in both public and private life to refrain consistently and empathically from inflicting pain. To act or speak violently out of spite, chauvinism, or self-interest, to impoverish, exploit or deny basic rights to anybody, and to incite hatred by denigrating others—even our enemies—is a denial of our common humanity. We acknowledge that we have failed to live compassionately and that some have even increased the sum of human misery in the name of religion.

We therefore call upon all men and women to restore compassion to the centre of morality and religion ~ to return to the ancient principle that any interpretation of scripture that breeds violence, hatred or disdain is illegitimate ~ to ensure that youth are given accurate and respectful information about other traditions, religions and cultures ~ to encourage a positive appreciation of cultural and religious diversity ~ to cultivate an informed empathy with the suffering of all human beings—even those regarded as enemies.

We urgently need to make compassion a clear, luminous and dynamic force in our polarized world. Rooted in a principled determination to transcend selfishness, compassion can break down political, dogmatic, ideological and religious boundaries. Born of our deep interdependence, compassion is essential to human relationships and to a fulfilled humanity. It is the path to enlightenment, and indispensable to the creation of a just economy and a peaceful global community—

HOPE SOURCE # 2  charterforcompassion.org

We can't afford to get low on needed vitamins
We can't afford to let our hope get depleted.
Have a dose of hope as needed.

I 

I MUST LIKE TO MAKE MYSELF NUTS

Otherwise how come I would read so widely and so disparately about everything including the meaning of life?

I'll answer that. Because I hate to read and write about what I already know.

Anyway, I just finished reading LIVING THE SECULAR LIFE by Phil Zuckerman which argues well for leading a moral life without the necessity of having God involved.

The 'nones'--those non affiliated people with no specific connection to any religion is growing by leaps and bounds. Many are looking for a place for spiritual sustenance that makes sense to them. But most are not. Most just don't care and never think about the sacred. Life is sacred enough. 
AND they have a kind of manifesto of kindness, care of the planet, justice,    caring for those who are in need, raising decent children. Hooray.

And the Humanist Secularists are organizing and creating a community to 
support their purpose and to create social connections with one another.
Hooray again. 

And I do mean 'hooray'. But it made me wonder about my desire for something transcendent. Is awe of the mystery of our wonderful world not enough?
Not yet. Not yet. I pray anyway.

ALL THAT WE DON'T KNOW

I am struck by all that we don't know. And the important decisions we make
while dumb. Two things remind me of this. One is the recent US election.
People on both sides decided their vote without knowing much about the issues.
Because it is so hard to know (and trust) the facts, we make decisions on goofy stuff. The other thing that reminded me of how little we know is a book I just read--UNDERSTANDING THE OLD TESTAMENT. Now this book is a tome, but my daughter in Oregon was reading it for a class and I said I would too. I loved it.
(mostly--with brain breaks) It clarified the structure of the Old Testament, it's contextual history, politics, important people, and what was literal history and what was passed down theology. Yes, it changed my perspective on many things. Yes, I don't always like that. But, boy am I under educated on so many things.

OFF THE GRID IN RANGELEY

Life does go on with no internet signal.
I'll be back next week.
What if prayer is the real signal?

FOR MY NORTH AMERICAN READERS

Vote Please

Democracy is a relatively new bold and brave social experiment.
It was designed on the principles of tolerance and balance of power.
We forget that it is fragile
Support it. 

Please Vote

NEW REFLECTIONS ON AN OCTOBER SUNDAY

1
Reading is my delicious place
Can not get enough
Of ideas
Of lives not mine
Of history
My smorgasbord
My pile of gifts to open
My unfailing delight
But it ain't prayer

2
When prayer gets true
It scares me a little
I'm going to be knocked off my perch
And I know it
How is the the heightened
Answer to come

3
We make faith so complicated
It'a just yes or no
To hope

SUCH A RELIEF!

I did a reading of my book Thursday night--that led to discussion.
What I liked was that we looked like a pretty average bunch of people
(Well not the dull kind of average, but no exaggerated stuff in the room)
And we began to share:
--the churches we have tried
--the fellowship at the churches that were the primary glue to attending
--the disillusionment with organized religion as it kicked some of us out or made it so we didn't want in
--how we prayed
--if we prayed
--what our prayer experience felt like
--the need for a better different kinder more compassionate world

And we were relieved to be talking about all of this with only curiosity and generosity. Relieved to share our experience, our disappointment, our continuing hunger for a place to dig deeper, beyond an only material definition of life. 

What a relief! To make this conversation legitimate with no need for large answers but to ask big enough questions. Such a relief.

READ PHYLLIS TICKLE

Isn't her name enough to make you want to read her?
I discovered her shortly after she died.
The Shaping of a Life is her autobiography and tells of her becoming acquainted with 'spirit'. She is so natural and pragmatic about it--until she has a much bigger experience of and 'after death' experience. I may get some of this wrong because I gobbled her book rather than digesting it. But she was a kid playing hide and go seek and hid in some thick backyard bushes. It was there that she had the sense of another world existing alongside the physical with only a thin membrane between. Phyllis was married to a doctor and had lots of children.
Her story about the development of faith was so trustworthy to me because she kept it real. In fact her husband didn't 'get' her 'after death' experience and so they didn't talk much about it. She didn't resent it. Phyllis simply said, "In a marriage there are things that you don't talk about for the good of the marriage" It sounded practical and wise and not at all repressed. 

Phyllis was the religious editor for Publishers' Weekly and so was in touch with new trends and issues. She wrote a book titled Emergent Christianity. It was such a helpful book for me.
I tend to pick up on trends intuitively. I did that in my work as an executive in food retailing
and I think my book I PRAY ANYWAY: Devotions for the Ambivalent is a voice for the confusion going on in organized religion. Phyllis talks about religion's need for an every five hundred year garage sale to get rid of the clutter and spiffing up the worthwhile.
She lays out an historical pattern for what is going on now in Christianity that makes
sense of my own disorientation that I explore in my book. I feel less crazy and less guilty and less quiet about my own spiritual hunger.

Enough. Read Phyllis Tickle!

I AM OFF MY PATH

Here's a kind of cranky reflection on stubbornly bad day, meaning I would take no comfort. (You don't have those?? Riiiiight.)

I am off my path
And baby I don't like it
PTSD and me
Don't get along
Don't demolish my family
And expect me to snap out of it
With no scars
I am scarred 
And on some days
The scars stretch to bursting
Ready to splatter my pain on every bit of love I've loved
But then I watch Orange Is The New Black
Or Food TV or drink wine
And the scars are soothed with the toxic balm of our time 
And prayer never enters my mind

DAYS OF AWE

I am not Jewish but I have always been attracted to and by the High Holy days of Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. I first learned about them when visiting a Synagogue on an ecumenical field trip of some sort from my Methodist Church when I was in sixth grade. I was more interested in holding hands with my boy crush of the week but i was hit hard and was intrigued by the rituals and preparation for The Days of Awe.

Let's talk 'awe' for a minute. We've forgotten what awe is as we call everything 'awesome' from food to a movie. Awe is a very big deal--a kind of reverence and profundity mixed with a dash of fear leading to repentence. Methodists didn't do much awe when I was twelve but I knew it when I saw it.

Rosh Hashanah is what New Year's ought to be. You are held accountable.
The Book of Life is opened for the ten Days of Awe. And probably you've messed up quite a bit. So you have this protected and protracted time to sit yourself down and think about it. (Synagogue services are long and often during this time.) And here is the hard part and good part and the healing part, you are expected to ask people directly for forgiveness for any wrong you have done.
(Maybe ten days is not enough.) Then your name goes back in or stays in the Book of Life for another year. You stand in good stead. 

I like everything about The Days of Awe.
--enough time to be profound and not perfunctory
--communal remembering of history and lessons learned
--fasting to remind us of the ability to reject  temptation
--everyone in a community cleansing and healing at the same time
--individual and group accountability
--a sigh of relief and a renewed commitment to do and be better.

I always ask forgiveness of my Jewish friend Eileen during The Days of Awe.
It feels great.
Think if we took time for awe and accountability and forgiveness in a systematic way with our families. 'Awesome' would be the right word.

THE COURAGE OF NOT KNOWING

The most important word in the title of my book I PRAY ANYWAY:Devotions for the Ambivalent is not "ambivalent". The important word is "anyway".

The book seems to attract two groups. One is the non-affiliated (meaning they identify with no religion and on the US census they check the box for 'non-affiliated' and are called the 'nones'. The other group is people who are affiliated but uncomfortably so. They can't break away from their church habit or religion but it is a compromised relationship. One group can't/won't commit and the other can't/won't leave. 

It is so much more comfortable and satisfying to be fully engaged and committed whether we are talking about  sports or love or work or religion.
That is not where we are as a culture. We are a bifurcated culture in the US with strong passionate groups at either end of the spectrum absolutely knowing they are right, their way is right. The middle is not holding up well economically or
in any other way of moderation.

Rather than being seen as wishy-washy, I hold that those of us holding the middle space of not knowing, of staying open have the hardest job. We often stand alone and quiet while the ones who 'know' bludgeon one another. In religion it is particularly difficult. It's hard to find a voice for uncertainty and confusion. My book gives voice to that undercurrent of spiritual yearning with no form for it to take that feels like the right fit. 

So it is not the ambivalence that matters. It is the 'anyway'. The courage to press on without knowing and pray anyway. 

LOOK HARDER

I do pray 'anyway'. The 'anyway' part is quite important. I'm not waiting to be hit over the head with a perfect belief. I trust, hope that there is a transcendent 
reality to our lives. God is one way to describe it. But my prayer and my study of praying can get too abstract and then it is worth nothing but my brain's exercise.

So I love it when I get hit by a very grounding thought. This one comes from John le Carre ain his memoir THE PIGEON TUNNEL. His life and writing about spying, which is certainly bound to make reality very fluid, has taught him the following: Moral clarity is diminished by increased understanding. He says this: "The harder you look for absolutes, the less likely you are to find them."

So if you are looking for a spiritual discipline for this election year, try looking harder at those around you who are spouting absolutes. Stay soft. Stay curious. 
Stay respectful. "Love your neighbor as you love yourself". 

Look harder.
This is the essence of everyday prayer.

MY KIND OF PRAYER

My kind of prayer is, well, my kind of prayer. It fits me. I do several kinds.
I howl in pain. I beg for people I love. I collapse with grief and I use Mary to help find a parking place. Really.

And I include lots of 'thanks', mostly sincere, but some out of counting my blessings to fall asleep or out of guilt for forgetting how lucky I am. (Luck is a whole other topic in relation to prayer).  

When it isn't a spontaneous prayer burp, I often sit and strain and wiggle to try to get to a prayer place. So I use devotions to open the portal. I may have to try quite a few but eventually somthing strikes me and in I go.

Want to know what it feels like when I get there?  Calm and warm and soothing and so very OK even when every darn thing is not. And sometimes there is a hint of guidance or direction. Not bad.  

Please read www.truthburp.blogspot.com  for 9/11 thoughts

'ANYWAY' IS THE OPERATIVE WORD

My book— I PRAY ANYWAY: Devotions for the Ambivalent— will be out with a new cover and some changes near the first of October. In reviewing it, I've had great discussions with people. They tendency is to talk about the power of prayer, the hypocritical nature of those who pray and are not such great people, the deadness of most prayer, and the enduring state of a world in need of, well, love.

The words in the title that attract attention first are 'prayer' and then 'ambivalent'. Some readers or potential readers are turned off by the word 'prayer' and then relieved by the word "ambivalent".  Others are bothered by the word 'ambivalent' and wish there was more emphasis on 'prayer. 

Right. But 'Anyway' is truly where I am coming from

Not sure about this God stuff?
Pray anyway
Wonder about the creative energy of the universe?
Pray anyway
Know that the world is cruel and unfair
Pray anyway
Your life has hurt and disappointed you?
Pray Anyway
Your life is magnificent, sparkling with all things good?
Pray Anyway
Pretty sure religion causes lots of problems
Pray Anyway

That is the grand experiment of the possibility of the sacred and divine in every day life.
Pray ANYWAY.

I PRAY FOR LEADERS TONIGHT

I pray for heads of countries tonight
That they catch a glimpse of themselves
That they govern for the people
That they close their peacock feathers
That they be
Kinder
Nicer
More civil
Get better ideas
See a new model for living with all
See that very, very different is possible
Dare I hope?
Dare I not?

PRAYER POWER

The power of prayer is a big big big topic and this is a blog. I am introducing it to hear from you, dear reader (I love that Victorian phrase because you are a dear reader). I am finding that the best part of my book is the conversations I'm having when I mention it. 

So, power of prayer. Mmmmm. I know I have had prayers answered. 
Period! I know that I know the difference when it seems a prayer has been answered and when I've just been lucky. I know I brush off the anwered prayer rather quickly and just enjoy the result. Ingrate! I have seen the power of prayer in action in healing and it seems to be a felt reality among those praying.

Then there are the questions:
Who or what is being prayed to/toward?
What makes a prayer powerful?
Is prayer the right word for what goes on?
Is there a energetic power at work that "prayer" taps into?
What/who responds to prayer?
Is the act of prayerfulness what opens the person who prays to aligning with good?
Godness is not the Cistine Chapel guy, so what is?

By the way, prayer is not meant only to get the goodies for you or others.
But it seems to be what we turn to in hope or despair even if it is an inarticualte yearning. 

Would love to hear from you about the power of prayer.
You can respond here or at iprayanyway@gmail.com
Dear reader, I want to hear your voice.
PS--I don't publish comments without permission or unless you make them public.

AGNOSTIC--MY MAINE VACATION BOOK

I am on vacation and so will keep this short to get back to The Game of Life
being played with my eight year old grandson who finds it terribly slow and doesn't get the point but enjoys the popcorn.

My spiritual life would be a lot easier if I would simple stop reading so broadly.
But I won't. I just finished The AGNOSTIC MANIFESTO by Lesley Hazleton and had a good time with it.

It celebrates the role of doubt in faith, the fun of exploring ultimate meaning  with an open mind and heart and the needed importance of imperfection.

A few tidbits:

"Agnosticism takes a spirited delight in not knowing.
 We need room for mystery, for the imagination, for things sensed but not proven, intuited but not defined"

"I want to explore unanswerable questions."

"In doubt we trust!"

Montaigne--"we believe nothing so firmly as what we least know."

Voltaire--"Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is an absurd one."
  
And back to Hazleton--"In fact I find it hard--make that impossible--to trust anyone who never experiences doubt."

The book is full of good quotes and the delight of exploring the possible.

(PS--also read lots of mysteries which may just be redundant of AGNOSTIC)

THIS QUOTE MAKES ME CRAZY

"You'll never get it done. You cannot get it wrong. So don't you think it's time for you to lighten up and start having more fun with all of this, and accept that you are Eternal Beings?
And since you are Eternal Beings, then there's no point in rushing, because there's never going to be a time when you don't exist."  Abraham from Abraham-Hicks Publication.

Abraham is a channeled voice. Well, I can live with that. Who cares where wisdom comes from?
But still, like, where does Abraham live and speak from unless he's is Hick's own unconscious, subconscious thought? 

The quote is relieving and unsettling on so many levels: 

I really really know we won't get IT done. I was struck by that truth when my parents died withing ten days of one another. Yes I put closure on their physical life as I shut down the house and got rid of all their trappings. They went out in the middle. There were new clothes in a bag with price tags still on them. The wall calendar had lunch dates and church activities circled. There was damp laundry in the washing machine. We do die in the middle with unfinished everything---ambitions,
reconciliations, loving words unsaid. Still I balk at the messiness implied and would like lives to end like a good novel.

Accepting that we already are eternal beings is so reassuring isn't it? It makes Jesus' historic life much more palatable from a kind of cosmic science point of view. But being implies 'body' to me which then conjures up heaven and I'm back to nuts again. I imagine us as soul blogs bouncing around til we slide down the ramp (like the emergency exit on a plane) into another body to learn a little more and get some good done. Does it get crowded in eternity??

What would change for you if you really knew you were an eternal being?
Would you lighten up, have more fun?
Would you care about the impact of your life more or less?
Would you be reeeaaaallllly lazy?
Would you just walk around loving people?
What would you do about other's inhumane actions.

I love the quote. I love what it implies. I'm glad it makes me think. I'm not sure how it changes my day.

I JUST DON'T CARE MUCH ABOUT AFTER LIFE

The fact that I just don't care much about life after death is a pretty big
stumbling block when it comes to Christianity which is the religious language that I speak  most easily.

I'm very curious about "after death experiences" and the stories people share when they have had one. It can be compelling. I am open to past lives.
And I read lots in all of these areas. It is comforting. But it's not what I base my
'faith' on. It would be lovely frosting on the cake. Plus it's impossible to imagine not being. OK I'm getting weirded out. 

What to do about the 'life after death' issue. (I do say it really really fast when we repeat the Nicene Creed.) I have done quite a bit of historical reading about Jesus and his time in history. I don't question that he may have risen from being dead. It's just not that important to me. I care about life now, the spirit now, the experience of divinity now, and the importance of love now.

My mom was sure that after her death, she would join her sisters and mom and dad in heaven. I kind of sassily (very sassily) asked her if she thought they would be playing Bridge. She said, "yes".  I lost my sass and was jealous of her sweet surety. I laughed and said I pictured us as kind of soul blobs bobbing around waiting for the next round of having a body. She said, "Oh Joyce!".
Let's have coffe and play a hand of Rummy. 

There you have it. Life here and now wins for me and to have it and live it abundantly. 

MY SOUL HAS HAPPY FEET TODAY

MY GIFT OF A SUNDAY TO MYSELF AND HOW I USED IT!!

10:30 am. I am alone at home for the day, night and tomorrow morning
First I sit and am a little giddy (carbonated is a better word) by the open space of no demand, no schedule, no people.  Yippee comes to mind

I make fresh coffee, eat bread and butter and read The New York Times Book Review. Sour dough bread from Scratch bakery. Next a leftover oatmeal cookie
When the cat's away, the carbs come out. Indulgence is so good for the soul. Maybe not the body, but happy happy soul

Begin to think of calling adult kids to see about the beach. No,no,no.  Always that temptation to fill in empty space. Make pledge to sit in my favorite places and read whatever strikes me. Then I'll read some more.  Summer, alone, books, cookbooks, magazines, shady nooks, fresh coffee Mama!!!!

10:58. Up to get out of pj's (magenta with orange polka dots--makes me hot to look at them), look for reading glasses, get ice water.

11:13. All set. Couldn't find book in process  HUMMINGBIRDS DAUGHTER
let it go watered a desperate plant. Got bag of books from library and iPad
Settled I tell you, settled!!!

12:00. move into full sun in yard to read. Need a little beach like burn for summer vibe with no cumbersome clacking beach chairs trail dropping of a flip flop,lotion, ever present cheese sticks.
12:15 Popsicles break. May have to move. Gargle across street blared Heavy Metal. Where are my ear buds?


1:00. Baby Break.  Proud grandmother brought over granddaughter for me to see.
Makes my youngest look like she's ready for grad school
Back to sun and WHAT KATIE ATE cookbook.

1:11 (lucky number). Into house for lunch. Leftovers Salade Nicoise from guests last night. Way better today. Added potatoes chips and two chocolates from host gift eating like its the1950's!!  Ate on front porch AT 1950's Formica table that has one red wooden leg. It was a gift picked off a street by my son and daughter in law. Cream with red trim. Very happy
Read every page of WHAT KATIE ATE
Peruse AGNOSTIC MANIFESTO
Perused and realized I had already read SHANGHAI REMEDY. Hate when I do that
Discarded DECODING THE EXTRAORDINARY MIND
Fell into Kate Atkinson's ONE GOOD TURN

2;36. Up for air from Atkinson book. Time for a nap. Not tired. But a nap is possible so why not?  A little Solitaire too.  Made ice water with strawberries in it in two quart jar. Hard to lift. Maybe a little Best British Baker Off. OK off the gird I go

4:23. Back on porch with ONE GOOD TURN. feeling a little lonely.  Or a need to be productive. Thanks Tyler. I shake it off !!  Coffee helps. What luxury my corner on the porch is. I will water hanging baskets next time I'm up.

5 pm switching to nonfiction AGNOSTIC MANIFESTO and will alternate with
Works for me. Refreshes the palette Don'ja  know!!

5:40. Eyes beginning to hurt. Wondering if I should go to beach for sunset
But I am content why try to augment contentment?

6:10. Silence strikes. My porch faces a well used street. I adjust to constant car whoosh--call it my ocean waves. But this silence of no cars is so luscious.
So secure. No random moving parts. So still. A car comes. Makes me sad
I adjust back to wallowing in the treat of"enough time" cars or no cars

7:46. Getting dark. I go in the  house to Not Fix Dinner. More luxury.  Think I'll have frozen cherries.  I read until 10:30. Lights out. Eyes glad to be shut. 

Indulgence is so good for the soul. Maybe not the body, but a happy happy soul! Souls are not made for suffering.

THOUGHTS ABOUT DEATH

Do we expect death to be easy?
I think we do
The death of others is overwhelmed by our own personal loss
Our own pain is the focus

Our inevitable personal death to come, we shake off
We know it will happen
And we veer away quickly from that knowledge
Nothing we can do about it

Here'shat I know about dying:
Dying is itself is usually hard work
It's no fun for the person dying either
It takes energy
It can be a sweet moment
It can be quite anti climatic
Some people will enjoy the drama and make it bigger than life ( now that's funny)
It takes a year to absorb the death
Food helps'
Talking about the death is needed to believe it
Its hardnot to get imprinted with the last living image. Photos help balance this
Not everybody has to cry
No service can be perfect because the situation can't be remedied
Sitting and staring seems to help
Sorrow is the right response
No shame no hurry no fake joy needed. Celebrate the life but mourn the loss
Grief demands lots of sleep. Daily details can feel like Mount Everest
Every anniversary sucks
It is bewildering for the person dying too
Think of going on the biggest journey of your life ALONE. ANDKNOWING IT
Grief can feel like a combo of stage fright and lethargy. Geared up and unable to move

More thought to come. We, in the US, are just beginning to take death for what it is.
More on that to come

WHAT WOULD BE LEFT?

If we cleared all the gunk out of our various religions what would be left?

Gunk=rigid rightness
          theological battles that detract
          thinking in opposites ie. belief versus doubt
          killing the spirit with tight behavior rules
          wanting to change others
          creating 'wrongness' in others
          punishing and judgment of others who are different

You get the idea--GUNK!!

Leftovers=compassion
                 love 
                peace
                joy
                spirit
                generosity
                Godness

Let's change the word 'leftovers' to 'essence'
Many of us are trying to work with the essence and therefore it leaves us a little stranded when it comes to formal religion.
          

         

I AM NOT------

I am not an atheist
I am not an agnostic
I am a curious explorer
I am curious about what consciousness actually is
I am curious about the human need for reverence that prevails
I am curious about the wonder of nature and the body and of our earth
I am curious about how Mohammad, Buddha and Jesus became such powerful organizing forces for religion and righteousness that can ruin their true story
I am curious about the power of prayer and the power of thought
I am curious about spiritual moments and experiences
Oh hell
I am curious about what this being alive means and how precious it is and how we keep not knowing that