AMBIVALENCE TAKES COURAGE!

I may be protesting too much about ambivalence.
On the other hand (that phrase is the phrase of an 'ambivalent') it does take some courage to be public about ambivalence when it comes to religion.

Atheism is easy. Just say "No". 
True Believer is easy.  Just say "I'm right and I know it making  others automatically wrong.
Agnostic begs the question. Just say, "Who knows?" (Embedded in this is 'who cares'?)

Let's hear it for the ambivalent people. There are plenty of us.
Here is a reflection from the book I wrote titled I PRAY ANYWAY: Devotions for the Ambivalent.  This was written during a tender time of wanting to have a sure footed belief.


Tonight my prayer is tender
Shy
I am bashful
Wanting to step forward into belief
But straddling—
An untenable position
Uncomfortable
Unsustainable
And yet
I'm too tentative
To step forward with both feet
Been straddling for so long
If I take a step
I might fall over

NOISY NIGHT, NOISY NIGHT

I wrote this in a dark moment of holiday craziness.
(the opposite of what I was yearning for--Silent Night)

Noisy Night
Big Sale Night
All is chaos
All is fight
Santa isn't coming
He's shaved his beard
Doesn't believe in giving
(Worse than we feared)
Sleep in denial gone viral
Sleep in denial gone viral

BEING AN ATHEIST BORED ME

I was an espoused Atheist for three years.  I was soured by so much of religious craziness and generation of hate. I read all the trendy books on how bad religion is and how there is no God and, being ecumenical by nature, I distrusted any faith

that thought it was THE right one. 

It was liberating for a while. I kind of liked saying it to people.  It was a new thing for me to say out loud. I thought I would like the shock value, but there was none. No one cared or responded strongly. In a way, there wasn’t much to say. In general there weren’t as many gradations of “atheism” and therefore not much conflict or depth for discussion until we began to talk about what we were against—which is just the flip side of belief. 

Now, if I say the name of my book I PRAY ANYWAY: Devotions For The Ambivalent  the conversation begins immediately.

A young man just delivered my Christmas tree.

He saw the proof of my book and "boom".  He talked about seeing a cobalt blue light that he has learned is St Michael’s color. He has a number that he knows is a positive sign for him every time he sees it. It happens too often to be random and never if he looks for it.  He doesn’t know about God but does know there is a connecting energy that can guide people to their good. Boom. Boom. Boom.  A good conversation.

That’s what I want this book to create.

THANKSGIVING INGRATE

#324

I want my family to be whole
And here
For Thanksgiving
All of them
Happily chaotic
Vital
Travel weary
I want them to want to be here
Still, love stretches beyond geography and holidays
I'm an ingrate on Thanksgiving


This was written two years ago as I was truly adjusting to the fact that my five kids and spouses were scattered and would probably never all be here for Thanksgiving at the same time again.These 'kids' are heading into middle age with families of their own and it's about time we did the visiting and they did the hosting. It's a shift of moving from the center to the sidelines. Lest this sound plaintive, I am blessed with a family that loves well and expresses it. I just had temporary blues as I moved over for a new generation. 

DEVOTIONS FOR THE AMBIVALENT--(ambivalent is not a bad word)

Devotions for the Ambivalent is the subtitle of the book I am soon to publish. Today,I wondered if I should have used it for the main title, putting I PRAY ANYWAY in second place. However, the title came to me 'as is' and propelled the book into being, so I will leave it alone.

Two things struck me about the subtitle.  The book has 365 entries that I have gone back and forth about calling them 'prayers' or 'poems'.  Well, wouldn't you know it?  They actually are 'devotions (regular spiritual or religious observances)  just like the title says. Go figure.

And I have come to like 'ambivalence' too. It sounds a little smart ass at first and people like it for that. Many are relieved to hear the word 'ambivalent' follow the words 'I pray'.  I really like it too. "Mixed feelings, contradictory ideas" is the definition of ambivalence. Feelings are always mixed and contradictory ideas lead to good discoveries and the next set of contradictory ideas. For instance, the integration of science and religion is just beginning its battle of seeming opposites. See what I mean?

So, I respect and like my ambivalence BUT I put I PRAY ANYWAY first for good reason. That's a decision I made to top my fickle feelings.



Regardless of fickle feelings, I praynyway. That's a decision I Regardless of fickle feelings, I pray made.

PARIS

I wanted to write about the new book I have coming out the first week of December  I PRAY ANYWAY: Devotions for The Ambivalent! In fact, I quit writing this blog to work on the book and was surprised to see people had been reading
the entries regardless.  Thank you.

Hard to write about praying and ignore the horror of Paris. I would prefer to start writing here again with a joy focused entry. Or how I have a mantra to keep me out of the mire of my own fussing.

But, Paris.  Puts us right up against it. The "it" being how far to go in loving your enemy or in compassion for all sentient beings. I hear the retaliation talk. 
It sounds like sputtering in the wind for this kind of terror. To retaliate in kind is 
at heart, uncivilized where as traditional war is somehow OK. (Traditional war follows the rules for uncivilized behavior)  

I avoid a true response by focusing what we must do before we get to unleashed hate--love, feed, respect, give opportunity. But hate is here.
Evil is here. What to do?  Of course, I'll pray anyway.  And then?  What to do?

GOD BLESS US, EVERYONE

That's how I feel on Memorial Day.
God bless us.
God bless the dead and their families.
God bless those who have killed.
God bless a world that needs a new way to deal with big conflicts.
God bless our instinct to violence.
God bless a globe dying (literally) for lack of peace
God bless our skepticism of a possible peaceful world
God bless the hope and idealism  of the founders of the United States of America and the model of governance they created.
As Tiny Tim said in gratitude and joy, "God Bless Us, Everyone".