AMBIVALENCE TAKES COURAGE!

I may be protesting too much about ambivalence.
On the other hand (that phrase is the phrase of an 'ambivalent') it does take some courage to be public about ambivalence when it comes to religion.

Atheism is easy. Just say "No". 
True Believer is easy.  Just say "I'm right and I know it making  others automatically wrong.
Agnostic begs the question. Just say, "Who knows?" (Embedded in this is 'who cares'?)

Let's hear it for the ambivalent people. There are plenty of us.
Here is a reflection from the book I wrote titled I PRAY ANYWAY: Devotions for the Ambivalent.  This was written during a tender time of wanting to have a sure footed belief.


Tonight my prayer is tender
Shy
I am bashful
Wanting to step forward into belief
But straddling—
An untenable position
Uncomfortable
Unsustainable
And yet
I'm too tentative
To step forward with both feet
Been straddling for so long
If I take a step
I might fall over

NOISY NIGHT, NOISY NIGHT

I wrote this in a dark moment of holiday craziness.
(the opposite of what I was yearning for--Silent Night)

Noisy Night
Big Sale Night
All is chaos
All is fight
Santa isn't coming
He's shaved his beard
Doesn't believe in giving
(Worse than we feared)
Sleep in denial gone viral
Sleep in denial gone viral

BEING AN ATHEIST BORED ME

I was an espoused Atheist for three years.  I was soured by so much of religious craziness and generation of hate. I read all the trendy books on how bad religion is and how there is no God and, being ecumenical by nature, I distrusted any faith

that thought it was THE right one. 

It was liberating for a while. I kind of liked saying it to people.  It was a new thing for me to say out loud. I thought I would like the shock value, but there was none. No one cared or responded strongly. In a way, there wasn’t much to say. In general there weren’t as many gradations of “atheism” and therefore not much conflict or depth for discussion until we began to talk about what we were against—which is just the flip side of belief. 

Now, if I say the name of my book I PRAY ANYWAY: Devotions For The Ambivalent  the conversation begins immediately.

A young man just delivered my Christmas tree.

He saw the proof of my book and "boom".  He talked about seeing a cobalt blue light that he has learned is St Michael’s color. He has a number that he knows is a positive sign for him every time he sees it. It happens too often to be random and never if he looks for it.  He doesn’t know about God but does know there is a connecting energy that can guide people to their good. Boom. Boom. Boom.  A good conversation.

That’s what I want this book to create.

THANKSGIVING INGRATE

#324

I want my family to be whole
And here
For Thanksgiving
All of them
Happily chaotic
Vital
Travel weary
I want them to want to be here
Still, love stretches beyond geography and holidays
I'm an ingrate on Thanksgiving


This was written two years ago as I was truly adjusting to the fact that my five kids and spouses were scattered and would probably never all be here for Thanksgiving at the same time again.These 'kids' are heading into middle age with families of their own and it's about time we did the visiting and they did the hosting. It's a shift of moving from the center to the sidelines. Lest this sound plaintive, I am blessed with a family that loves well and expresses it. I just had temporary blues as I moved over for a new generation. 

DEVOTIONS FOR THE AMBIVALENT--(ambivalent is not a bad word)

Devotions for the Ambivalent is the subtitle of the book I am soon to publish. Today,I wondered if I should have used it for the main title, putting I PRAY ANYWAY in second place. However, the title came to me 'as is' and propelled the book into being, so I will leave it alone.

Two things struck me about the subtitle.  The book has 365 entries that I have gone back and forth about calling them 'prayers' or 'poems'.  Well, wouldn't you know it?  They actually are 'devotions (regular spiritual or religious observances)  just like the title says. Go figure.

And I have come to like 'ambivalence' too. It sounds a little smart ass at first and people like it for that. Many are relieved to hear the word 'ambivalent' follow the words 'I pray'.  I really like it too. "Mixed feelings, contradictory ideas" is the definition of ambivalence. Feelings are always mixed and contradictory ideas lead to good discoveries and the next set of contradictory ideas. For instance, the integration of science and religion is just beginning its battle of seeming opposites. See what I mean?

So, I respect and like my ambivalence BUT I put I PRAY ANYWAY first for good reason. That's a decision I made to top my fickle feelings.



Regardless of fickle feelings, I praynyway. That's a decision I Regardless of fickle feelings, I pray made.

PARIS

I wanted to write about the new book I have coming out the first week of December  I PRAY ANYWAY: Devotions for The Ambivalent! In fact, I quit writing this blog to work on the book and was surprised to see people had been reading
the entries regardless.  Thank you.

Hard to write about praying and ignore the horror of Paris. I would prefer to start writing here again with a joy focused entry. Or how I have a mantra to keep me out of the mire of my own fussing.

But, Paris.  Puts us right up against it. The "it" being how far to go in loving your enemy or in compassion for all sentient beings. I hear the retaliation talk. 
It sounds like sputtering in the wind for this kind of terror. To retaliate in kind is 
at heart, uncivilized where as traditional war is somehow OK. (Traditional war follows the rules for uncivilized behavior)  

I avoid a true response by focusing what we must do before we get to unleashed hate--love, feed, respect, give opportunity. But hate is here.
Evil is here. What to do?  Of course, I'll pray anyway.  And then?  What to do?

GOD BLESS US, EVERYONE

That's how I feel on Memorial Day.
God bless us.
God bless the dead and their families.
God bless those who have killed.
God bless a world that needs a new way to deal with big conflicts.
God bless our instinct to violence.
God bless a globe dying (literally) for lack of peace
God bless our skepticism of a possible peaceful world
God bless the hope and idealism  of the founders of the United States of America and the model of governance they created.
As Tiny Tim said in gratitude and joy, "God Bless Us, Everyone". 

SURRENDER!!

I hate the word "surrender".  I equate it with personal failure.
I give up too often on things like health goals, projects and doing things for other people. Surrender to me means not meeting the goals I've set for myself, realistic of not. I punish myself for that kind of surrender.

What I'm curious about is a different kind of surrender.
The kind of surrender I want to practice is that of "ceasing resistance".
It's a way to allow good to come right smack dab in the middle of 
things being the way you hate, don't want, can't stand, won't tolerate.
In that moment comes the time to breathe deep and allow "What is" to be.
Most religions promise peace and joy in that kind of surrender.

I'm going to give it a try.  

I see it as giving up, not giving in.
It means, "cease resistance".

WHY THIS DISCONTENT, THIS HUNGER?

Don't ask me! I do get sick and tired of it.
I do think it is a soul thing.
If I give up my more than intellectual interest in prayer and spiritual life, I am relieved for a while. "Good, now I know who I am and where I stand."  I want to be a good person and let it go at that.  Then the discontent starts. How to explain it?  My life is good and yet not right. That's the feeling. So then, 
I turn to my devotional practice which gets me more crazy. So many points of view. I can find peace if I choose one path, one book, one culture, but only for a while. Soon I disrespect myself as a dilettante. So I give up. Then discontent and hunger grow again. Back to devotions.  I mean it when I say, "I pray anyway".  "Anyway" is the operative word.  In spite of discontent, contentment, good happening, bad happenings, I pray "anyway".  It's an experiment that needs good protocol.  That's what my devotions are--the protocol to see the result of a constant kind of prayer.  

BLESS OUR SWEET SELVES

 This poem (from I PRAY ANYWAY—Devotions For the Ambivalent) seems to 
capture this day perfectly.  It is the first mild day in Maine that truly promises Spring will come. We all look like stunned groundhogs as we begin to walk outside as opposed to the outdoors being a gauntlet we had to run from car to house to car to work to car to shop to car without reprieve. There is such vulnerability in the relief of it.  

The stunned gratitude
As winter people come into the sun
Cautious to believe the reprieve
Ant then slow smiles as they trust
Spring
RebirthHope
Such a vulnerability
This faith
Because Winter will come again
Count on it
Bless our sweet selves

FOR A GRANDDAUGHTER'S BIRTHDAY--2 YEARS OLD

Prayer/Poems from I PRAY ANYWAY--Devotions for the Ambivalent!


107

Thank you thank you thank you
For this sharp, sun-lit Winter day
For all the comforts I have
Books
Beauty
Plenty of people to love
Fun food to cook
Words to write
Possibilities to grow
Incredibly blessed
And for one glorious moment, I know it 
With no equivocation

108

It's so easy to forget a miracle
It joins he day to day so fast
Then back to yearning all over again
Maybe numbed out is the way it has to be
Or we'd be overtaken by grandeur
We'd explode with wonder and gratitude
Just "pop" and disintegrate with joy

HOW HAS WRITING A BOOK ABOUT PRAYING CHANGED ME?

I was asked that very question by a friend who read the rough draft of I PRAY ANYWAY--Devotions For The Ambivalent.
He was complimentary about the book.
He thought it made me very vulnerable.
Then he said, "Who cares about the book? How did writing it change you?"

Here's how:

I'm much more casual about saying to my husband, "I'm going to disappear for awhile to pray."  It has become normal in the household.

I'm still shy or worried about perceptions when it comes to talking about it with family and close, close, close friends.  Embarrassed to acknowledge how serious I am about it.

I do have a larger hunger now for spiritual food than when i started the book.
I'm not sick of it.

I am more interested in sharing the writing and having conversations about it than I was when I started writing the book.  I'm tired of my own voice. I want to hear others.

I do feel a sense of adventure to think that prayer provides guidance and a kind of alignment of purpose, capital P.  I'm still learning to not be embarrassed to admit that.  

I do experience more day to day mini-miracles meaning something good happens that has no rationale or scientific basis. Shouldn't be possible and is. 

I do feel like I am a writer for the rest of my life.  I've always been a non-writing writer. You know what I mean.

I turn to prayer for comfort and get it.  I end up with a kind of strata of joy that doesn't go away.

I'm less satisfied with the present forms and language of religion.  They just don't fit the global transformation we are in.  

I'm more interested in science, especially New Physics where spirit will meet 
the tangible world.

I hurt more for the craziness of the world and get mad less.

I feel like I've come home to a part of me I ignored for many years.

That's enough. Good question

PRAYER 280

From I PRAY ANYWAY Devotions for the Ambivalent


280

Sometimes I think of
So many people praying
For different things
Different reasons
Different beliefs
And yet
All that yearning
All that gratitude
Circling around
And no tipping point
For peace
Yet


This was written in a kind of despair after racism reared its head in yet another permutation of fear and ill educated power and after the video beheadings of
very innocent people treated like poker chits of leverage.

I pray anyway, sometimes in hopelessness